It’s ok to Cry

After being with someone for a long time splitting up is hard to do.

The emotions run a wide range from anger to sadness.

Something people always want to do is give you platitudes. They tell you it will get better. Or give it time, know it won’t always hurt this bad. Knowing that doesn’t change the feelings. The hurt is still there.

Crying when you hurt is a way to allow the emotions to pass. To let them out without trapping them. Give yourself permission to cry. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to say the things you need to say, to allow the feelings to flow without stopping them is powerful and strong.

Just don’t dwell to long in the pain. Remember that healing happens when we release these emotions and step into our power. Crying is healthy, ok and even good. Sobbing, is cleansing, the healing comes when you take the steps to release that which is causing you the pain. We may not always be able to discern that for ourselves. Especially when we are in the thick of the emotional response. Reacting from a place of pain and hurt can give us regrets. I don’t like to have regrets for my actions and so I tend to try to stop and think before saying and doing something. When dealing with emotional pain and trauma of a sudden life event like divorce, that I truly didn’t see coming, I got stuck in this pain for several months. I decided to reach out to my friend who is an amazing coach in her own rights.

As an empath and lightworker I often go into my higher self to intercede for others but had ignored my own pain for so long that it’s almost as if it was damned up tighter than Fort Knox. I had this vision of myself standing at a castle with a mote around it and I was drowning in the mote because I forgot I could just stand up and use the key. Keys often come in many forms, for me it was reaching out to a fellow energy worker friend, Christina over at Radiant Living, The Art of Conscious Creation She has a wonderful gift of helping you get in touch with your inner self to heal these hurts. The first picture in this post was taken the day we worked together. I couldn’t stop the tears. The flow was unbelievable. Christina helped me find the old trauma’s from my past that we’re bringing up fears and effecting how I am processing the current trauma of a divorce after 24 years of marriage.

Some days the work of healing your soul is hard, but it’s always worth it. Knowing we all go through the same heavy shit helps us connect with each other in a very real way.

When I reached out to Christina she was more than happy to share her time with me helping me work through these fears. She gave me some new tools to use and helped me seek out the past as well as current issues so that I could heal and move forward. Working with Christina and her unique way with energy helped give me some much needed focus.

Shortly after working with Christina in a one on one session I decided to take steps to heal myself. One thing I have lacked was a good solid foundation in my physical body. I wasn’t ever sure how to do things and with my limitations of fibro I wanted help getting fit.

I no longer feel held hostage by my emotions. The sadness still comes from time to time but the overwhelming grief is easier. I still give myself permission to cry, and to feel sad. I also give myself permission to love. Love my ex for all he gave me, love myself for all I gave him. I am continuing to love us both through this. I refuse to stay stuck in ugly, hurt or sadness. I love me more now than I did 6 months ago. I can’t say I won’t ever undervalue myself again but I am learning to see my value in a different way.

It is healthy to move forward in life, grow and learn from your experiences. If you are struggling with something it’s always good to ask for help, even if you already have the tools and knowledge there is no shame in asking for help from someone outside of yourself. We need our community and our tribe to help us through these rough spots.

Messages from the realms.

As a firm believer in all things are energy I often use a wide variety of divination tools to receive messages. I have a brand new deck of tarot cards that are amazing. Oracle cards with messages from the keepers of the light. This deck has resonated with since I got it.

This morning I awoke and knew I needed to draw three cards. This journey has been hard the last several months. The cards have helped me find some peace in the most difficult situation.

So today’s reading is one of uplifting myself. Keeping my focus on what I want and manifesting my destiny. Continuing in my power and remaining calm. I’m including the extended messages because I feel that there is a reader who needs these messages as much as I did this morning. When I do readings for others I always go based on intuition, but sometimes there is important bits of information in the extended message section of the book that talks about the cards.

I love the message of these cards and the uplifting way they help you feel in power.

If you would like a reading I would be happy to share my gift with you too. I accept donations if you feel led.

Feel free to contact me for a personal reading via email.

Self care through the grief

Self care is so hard when you are in the moment of grief. Today I have felt overwhelmed with sadness because in 4 short years my life went from this happy moment of getting the keys for our first home to being in the middle of a divorce I never dreamed would happen.

This moment always a top 10 happy moment in my life. Topped only by falling in love, getting married and having our children.

I spent the entire day today fighting back tears, unable to contain them even in public they randomly would fall. I still love this man who promised to love me forever and while we had problems and his mental health issues, I still miss those happy moments. They may have become fewer and further apart than when we got married but that happens when you are raising kids and life gets hectic.

I decided I needed to do some self care. I couldn’t stay stuck in this pain. The sadness. The grief. Only I can heal me and I opted to practice some self care in the form of moving my body. I touched on this in my article in the free e-zine Our soul Oasis.

So my self care was to head to the gym. Only to discover the gym was closed because some group rented out my gym for two days! Who does that? That could have been the end of it. But I really needed to feel something physical. So I came home and tackled an hour long work out minus weights,just using resistance bands.

For the first time today I don’t feel like weeping. I absolutely cried while working out. I put music on cried and kept pushing. Sobbing and working out is an interesting experience, releasing bullshit from emotional build up as well as endorphins from the exercise is an astonishing healing practice. Who cares if you have to stop and blow your nose because the tears make it run?

There is something empowering in allowing yourself to cry and keep pushing through to work muscles.

Don’t be afraid to cry, and keep going forward.

Healing Crystals

As an energy worker I love using stones, and Crystals for healing energy.

If you have ever picked up a rock and just thought it was pretty or that it felt good in your hand that’s because you were drawn to that energy for a specific purpose.

Different stones can help with different things and I am always looking for good ones to draw positive energy to me, help block the negative and to renew my energy.

With everything going on in my life I needed a good stone to help me that I could wear daily. Healing my heart chakra is paramount to getting through the challenges I’m facing. So I took to Amazon to hunt up something new. Sometimes there are some amazing deals to be had over there.

I chose this beautiful lepidolite stone.

The company also included a wonderful e-book free and is a small family run business which is even better.

This is an excerpt from the ebook. The whole book has very useful information.

I have since discovered that Ayana Wellness has a Facebook page as well. They even have some items listed for sale there, be sure to go check them out. Supporting small business is the best thing we can do to boost our economy.

Here I am wearing my beautiful newly charged stone.

Flip the script

Something that has helped me a lot is flipping the script.

I made choices to stay in my marriage, yes he has issues and yes I sacrificed a lot staying. Yes he has narcassistic behaviors and yes there was clearly abuse that I didn’t see. However I chose to honor my heart and love him anyway. Unconditional love is hard sometimes.

While it wasn’t my choice to leave or separate and divorce I don’t need to feel like a victim, and if you have been in this situation neither do you. Yes other people’s choices effect us, but it’s how we react that defines us.

Let me say that again for the kiddies in the back…

Other people’s choices may effect us, but it’s how we react that defines us!

I am a warrior, anyone who has come out of a relationship that was not balanced and fair is a warrior. We all struggle. Some days are easier and some days are harder. Some days we are going to feel like a failure, and those days may even be more like a whole week. Or several days on end.

I recently had a few days where I just couldn’t get out of my head. I was reliving memories and feeling all the sadness that comes with loosing a 25 year relationship. I had a dear friend remind me it was time to flip the script. The stories I was telling myself to keep me sad. She was so gentle and kind I of course responded with I didn’t see it. Because in the moment do we ever really see what we are doing?

Here I am during this conversation. Swollen eyes, nose and all. Tears flowing and heart broken. Her gentle words helped me but it’s only now that I’m feeling stronger today that I’m able to look back and see it.

These pictures show the progression through our conversation that night. It took a few hours and it wasn’t all about me. We just chatted and circled back around again to the topic in different ways.

I may not be strong every day and of course it still hurts. My brain wants to understand why he doesn’t love me, I still love him. But of course I won’t ever know, how can I? I’ve known for years that he has issues, I just always tried to help him with them. He has his own set of self esteem problems. His choices and his issues don’t get to define me anymore, if they ever really did.

Flipping the script isn’t easy at all. In fact it can be down right painful to turn sorrow around and be thankful. Being thankful for the pain he has caused me is so hard. But without the sudden and abrupt dissolution of our life together I wouldn’t have ever decided to hire a personal trainer. And I certainly wouldn’t be finding new and more powerful ways to love myself.

My friend reminded me that it was about me. How I am handling it all. If I choose to wallow in sadness and become depressed and despondent then I’m not doing myself, or the people I love any favors.

I spent a lifetime taking care of everyone else and no time taking care of me. How unfair that was to everyone I love. How unfair to my husband. I wasn’t the best wife I could be because I put me last. And how unfair to my kids, yes I did everything for them but I didn’t care for me so I could continue to be there for them.

Now I’m working on thanking him for the last 25 years, and for the letting me go so I can learn to love me as much as I loved everyone else in my life.

Here I am today, loving me. Flipping the scripts that hold me back and make me feel bad. Stopping myself from repeating negative patterns and reinventing myself daily.

Taking control

As I wander through the painful steps of separating my life from the man I thought I would grow old with I am discovering all the little ways I didn’t take care of me.

My life revolved around him, our kids, keeping a roof over our heads and bills paid. My life revolved around taking care of everyone else to the exclusion of myself.

O sure I did things I enjoyed and I have loved being able to be home with my kids. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Mom is the best title I have ever held. It brings me joy and pride… But what happened to Crystal?

So I decided to do something crazy. I bought the whole family a gym membership. I got them all on board. Then I hired my own personal trainer!

I broke down all my health conditions and my myriad of concerns. I don’t give a flying leap what a scale says but I do care that I have no muscle tone and struggle to do things I once loved. I want to get out and hike more. I want to climb mountains and conquer my fears.

So my first step to doing just that is to keep moving forward. Some days are easier, some days still hurt. But I’m doing it! If I can do it anyone can!

Here’s me my first day at my new gym. One work out done.

I’ve already lost one full pants size and one full top size before hitting the gym. I believe my CoreAo (that I talked about in my blog post Here) was the first thing to help me with this.

I also started using my Balance spray at night. This spray has done a world of good helping me get to sleep. It helps balance serotonin levels. This helps regulate hormones, balance weight and helps you sleep, among a few other things.

I started with these things simply feel better. I physically hurt so bad that I was desperate to feel better. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t eat, I hurt all the time. The pain was so bad that I just wanted anything to help. The core helped first. It minimized the constant ache and helped me be able to move. But the balance spray, that is what got me going. Able to focus and function on a whole new level. Sleep is restorative and when you aren’t able to sleep your body can’t heal. So balance helped me heal. Balance started making my life, despite the horrible upheaval, start to balance out.

This picture was taken right after the upheaval in my life happened. I just found out my husband of 24 years had been sneaking around. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I was definitely hurting. Trying to smile through it and planning this very blog. My wonderful friend helped me take these photos.

Then life moved forward I kept putting off this blog because to be honest I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the heartache, or if anyone wanted to read it.

Then summer came and I went camping with my brother. I was still trying to fix my marriage but things were in a weird spot and we knew he was taking a job away from us. I had just started taking my CoreAo and was seeing amazing results with my mobility. I actually hiked this with my family. It was so scary but I did it.

By October my world fell apart. Florence had come and done her damage to my town, I returned to find out that instead of fixing things we are now getting divorced. I am still taking Balance and CoreAo and smiling through it all because smiling feels better than frowning. When your body hurts less you feel better equipped to handle the emotional pain.

I took this picture Monday 12/10 my first day heading to my gym… (Ignore the open closet on the side of me, it’s a work in progress this house)

I’m not great at selfies in mirrors, but it’s a good gauge to see how far my body has come already.

Here is a side by side of those same pictures.

The only thing that changed in my diet in that period of time was adding CoreAo, Smart( I’ll post about that one soon) and Balance.

Slowly I’m taking control of my life. Slowly I am finding ways to be healthy and strong, both emotionally as well as physically.

I never dreamed I’d hire a personal trainer. And I never imagined I would be getting divorced. I never imagined life would turn out this way, and maybe someday it won’t hurt to admit I’m a divorced woman. I still love him, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes we have to love ourselves more than we love anyone else.

Would you believe it’s gluten free?

Being a fibro warrior I went gluten free two years ago. I’ve tried nearly every recipe under the sun for gluten free pie crust. None have ever lived up to the standard of the traditional versions. I have tried every brand some are mediocre at best and horrific trash at worst.

I have been a from scratch Baker and cook for the entirety of my adult life starting from a young age. So when I went gluten free the attempts to make food I used to love was discouraging. Nothing ever tasted quite right. It would be chalky or gummy in texture, never light airy it flakey the way traditional baked goods should be.

That is until this Thanksgiving! I finally found the perfect combination of ingredients and made a beautiful pie crust. Light, flakey, hearty enough to stand up to apples for pie

and yet perfect for a pumpkin pie crust

as well as my own personal creation, a sweet potato pecan pie.

This crust is surprisingly easy to create.

I used my ninja food processor with the dough blade. This may not seem important but let me tell you gluten free flour is easy to over work and causes it to become mealy.

The other tools you will need are a good even rolling pin, and parchment paper.

Recipe

2 cups of king arther all purpose gluten free blend

1 stick cold butter

4 tablespoons olive oil

6-8 teaspoons ice cold water

2 tablespoons sugar *omit if using for a savory pie*

In the food processor place your flour and butter and pulse 3-5 times just to crumble butter into smaller pieces. I help this process along by cutting the butter and placing in chunks to start with. Add in the sugar and pulse a couple more times. With the lid on stream the olive oil in with the dough setting on. Then gradually add water one spoon at a time just until dough forms a ball.

Remove dough and divide in half. I immediately placed on parchment paper and placed another sheet of parchement paper over top and rolled out.

When placing in your pie plate peel one side of the parchement paper off flip the crust onto the pie plate and peel the bottom paper off. Go slow because it can pull the crust apart.

This crust will seem a little wet in this stage, and that’s good for pushing cracks back together.

For the apple pie I just made my normal filling, filled and baked like a traditional pie.

For both the pumpkin and sweet potato pies I prebaked them for 5 minutes in a 425* oven with a few fork holes poked around the bottom. This allowed the crust to firm up so that you didn’t get that nasty gummy texture on the bottom of the pie. Then bake the pumpkin pie as normal.