Something that has helped me a lot is flipping the script.
I made choices to stay in my marriage, yes he has issues and yes I sacrificed a lot staying. Yes he has narcassistic behaviors and yes there was clearly abuse that I didn’t see. However I chose to honor my heart and love him anyway. Unconditional love is hard sometimes.
While it wasn’t my choice to leave or separate and divorce I don’t need to feel like a victim, and if you have been in this situation neither do you. Yes other people’s choices effect us, but it’s how we react that defines us.
Let me say that again for the kiddies in the back…
Other people’s choices may effect us, but it’s how we react that defines us!
I am a warrior, anyone who has come out of a relationship that was not balanced and fair is a warrior. We all struggle. Some days are easier and some days are harder. Some days we are going to feel like a failure, and those days may even be more like a whole week. Or several days on end.
I recently had a few days where I just couldn’t get out of my head. I was reliving memories and feeling all the sadness that comes with loosing a 25 year relationship. I had a dear friend remind me it was time to flip the script. The stories I was telling myself to keep me sad. She was so gentle and kind I of course responded with I didn’t see it. Because in the moment do we ever really see what we are doing?
Here I am during this conversation. Swollen eyes, nose and all. Tears flowing and heart broken. Her gentle words helped me but it’s only now that I’m feeling stronger today that I’m able to look back and see it.
These pictures show the progression through our conversation that night. It took a few hours and it wasn’t all about me. We just chatted and circled back around again to the topic in different ways.
I may not be strong every day and of course it still hurts. My brain wants to understand why he doesn’t love me, I still love him. But of course I won’t ever know, how can I? I’ve known for years that he has issues, I just always tried to help him with them. He has his own set of self esteem problems. His choices and his issues don’t get to define me anymore, if they ever really did.
Flipping the script isn’t easy at all. In fact it can be down right painful to turn sorrow around and be thankful. Being thankful for the pain he has caused me is so hard. But without the sudden and abrupt dissolution of our life together I wouldn’t have ever decided to hire a personal trainer. And I certainly wouldn’t be finding new and more powerful ways to love myself.
My friend reminded me that it was about me. How I am handling it all. If I choose to wallow in sadness and become depressed and despondent then I’m not doing myself, or the people I love any favors.
I spent a lifetime taking care of everyone else and no time taking care of me. How unfair that was to everyone I love. How unfair to my husband. I wasn’t the best wife I could be because I put me last. And how unfair to my kids, yes I did everything for them but I didn’t care for me so I could continue to be there for them.
Now I’m working on thanking him for the last 25 years, and for the letting me go so I can learn to love me as much as I loved everyone else in my life.
Here I am today, loving me. Flipping the scripts that hold me back and make me feel bad. Stopping myself from repeating negative patterns and reinventing myself daily.