When you are constantly looking for life to be better somewhere else your problem isn’t that it isn’t good where you are it’s that you fail to water it, tend it and nurture where you are.
When I discovered my husband’s infidelity I felt like it was my fault. Like I didn’t do enough or say the right things. In doing all my work I’m seeing that that’s insane. I was an amazing wife, loving supportive and doing my best despite him choosing not to water or tend his garden. I still love him but he’s choosing to look for greener pastures leaving me to tend our garden alone. Despite my plea’s for counseling to help us get through it he’s choosing a different path, and yes it hurts. I devoted my life to raising our children, supporting him in every job change and move for these jobs.
Don’t get me wrong I was far from perfect. I have my faults. My chronic disease of fibromyalgia caused me so much intense pain I had to stop doing much of the things I once loved. I couldn’t stand and cook for hours or do all the shopping all the time. I couldn’t care for my family the way I once did. The pain left me exhausted, cranky, and alone. This is something I realized, I was always alone.
As I’ve been journaling through this separation something I realized was that at the height of my worst the person who vowed to always be my support wasn’t. He was busy watering the garden somewhere else, and he left me alone to navigate the pain and my feelings of being worthless because of this disease and what it was taking from me. He wasn’t being my partner.
When you spend your time watering the lawn in your neighbor’s yard then complaining that your grass isn’t green that’s where you are missing the opportunity to make your life everything you want. When you don’t communicate and don’t put in the effort into loving the life you have you are missing the chance to see it bloom into everything the creator promised for your life.
I’m now watering my own grass, tending my own garden and giving myself the love I deserve. My heart is still shattered because I still love my estranged husband. But I have to take care of me. In tending my own garden I’m finding physical healing. I’ve been almost completely symptom free for nearly 8 months. I’m building a new body and healing in ways I didn’t know I could. Being symptom free is amazing. It’s freed me up in ways I never imagined.
I’d love to help coach you if you are struggling with a chronic illness like fibro.