life changes

Self care through the grief

by Crystal Lucas

Self care is so hard when you are in the moment of grief. Today I have felt overwhelmed with sadness because in 4 short years my life went from this happy moment of getting the keys for our first home to being in the middle of a divorce I never dreamed would happen.

This moment always a top 10 happy moment in my life. Topped only by falling in love, getting married and having our children.

I spent the entire day today fighting back tears, unable to contain them even in public they randomly would fall. I still love this man who promised to love me forever and while we had problems and his mental health issues, I still miss those happy moments. They may have become fewer and further apart than when we got married but that happens when you are raising kids and life gets hectic.

I decided I needed to do some self care. I couldn’t stay stuck in this pain. The sadness. The grief. Only I can heal me and I opted to practice some self care in the form of moving my body. I touched on this in my article in the free e-zine Our soul Oasis.

So my self care was to head to the gym. Only to discover the gym was closed because some group rented out my gym for two days! Who does that? That could have been the end of it. But I really needed to feel something physical. So I came home and tackled an hour long work out minus weights,just using resistance bands.

For the first time today I don’t feel like weeping. I absolutely cried while working out. I put music on cried and kept pushing. Sobbing and working out is an interesting experience, releasing bullshit from emotional build up as well as endorphins from the exercise is an astonishing healing practice. Who cares if you have to stop and blow your nose because the tears make it run?

There is something empowering in allowing yourself to cry and keep pushing through to work muscles.

Don’t be afraid to cry, and keep going forward.

Taking control

by Crystal Lucas

As I wander through the painful steps of separating my life from the man I thought I would grow old with I am discovering all the little ways I didn’t take care of me.

My life revolved around him, our kids, keeping a roof over our heads and bills paid. My life revolved around taking care of everyone else to the exclusion of myself.

O sure I did things I enjoyed and I have loved being able to be home with my kids. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Mom is the best title I have ever held. It brings me joy and pride… But what happened to Crystal?

So I decided to do something crazy. I bought the whole family a gym membership. I got them all on board. Then I hired my own personal trainer!

I broke down all my health conditions and my myriad of concerns. I don’t give a flying leap what a scale says but I do care that I have no muscle tone and struggle to do things I once loved. I want to get out and hike more. I want to climb mountains and conquer my fears.

So my first step to doing just that is to keep moving forward. Some days are easier, some days still hurt. But I’m doing it! If I can do it anyone can!

Here’s me my first day at my new gym. One work out done.

I’ve already lost one full pants size and one full top size before hitting the gym. I believe my CoreAo (that I talked about in my blog post Here) was the first thing to help me with this.

I also started using my Balance spray at night. This spray has done a world of good helping me get to sleep. It helps balance serotonin levels. This helps regulate hormones, balance weight and helps you sleep, among a few other things.

I started with these things simply feel better. I physically hurt so bad that I was desperate to feel better. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t eat, I hurt all the time. The pain was so bad that I just wanted anything to help. The core helped first. It minimized the constant ache and helped me be able to move. But the balance spray, that is what got me going. Able to focus and function on a whole new level. Sleep is restorative and when you aren’t able to sleep your body can’t heal. So balance helped me heal. Balance started making my life, despite the horrible upheaval, start to balance out.

This picture was taken right after the upheaval in my life happened. I just found out my husband of 24 years had been sneaking around. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I was definitely hurting. Trying to smile through it and planning this very blog. My wonderful friend helped me take these photos.

Then life moved forward I kept putting off this blog because to be honest I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the heartache, or if anyone wanted to read it.

Then summer came and I went camping with my brother. I was still trying to fix my marriage but things were in a weird spot and we knew he was taking a job away from us. I had just started taking my CoreAo and was seeing amazing results with my mobility. I actually hiked this with my family. It was so scary but I did it.

By October my world fell apart. Florence had come and done her damage to my town, I returned to find out that instead of fixing things we are now getting divorced. I am still taking Balance and CoreAo and smiling through it all because smiling feels better than frowning. When your body hurts less you feel better equipped to handle the emotional pain.

I took this picture Monday 12/10 my first day heading to my gym… (Ignore the open closet on the side of me, it’s a work in progress this house)

I’m not great at selfies in mirrors, but it’s a good gauge to see how far my body has come already.

Here is a side by side of those same pictures.

The only thing that changed in my diet in that period of time was adding CoreAo, Smart( I’ll post about that one soon) and Balance.

Slowly I’m taking control of my life. Slowly I am finding ways to be healthy and strong, both emotionally as well as physically.

I never dreamed I’d hire a personal trainer. And I never imagined I would be getting divorced. I never imagined life would turn out this way, and maybe someday it won’t hurt to admit I’m a divorced woman. I still love him, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes we have to love ourselves more than we love anyone else.

I married a what?

by Crystal Lucas

Discovering that you are married to a narcissist is rather Earth shattering. Especially when you didn’t notice it for a long time.

That’s been my life…

The discovery still keeps rocking my world and I find myself bound in moments of grief so raw. Grief over what I thought we had vs the reality. Grief over the real love I felt and the dreams of the family we built.

Women are often the memory keepers. We build photo albums and capture the moments to be preserved. We tend to hold the memories in our hearts. But when you discover that your married to a narcissist you start to question all of these memories.

Was he always a narcissist, or did it happen gradually? When did you give over the control? When did you allow yourself to be so manipulated?

Some of these question’s wont ever be answered, and others don’t need to be. Finding peace in your heart to accept what is and move forward with healthy boundaries is a must. I still have some days where the tears fall randomly or out of the blue. I still question and I still wonder why. I am allowing myself the time and space to grieve but I am also moving forward.

As a caregiver my natural reaction is to take care of everyone else around me. I spent an entire marriage taking care of his needs above my own. I spent my days doing for everyone else and forgot that I should come first in my world and everyone else secondary. I can’t possibly take care of anyone else properly if I am not taking care of me. Getting divorced has shown me all the ways I failed to take care of me, and all the ways I allowed him to belittle me. All the little ways I wasn’t important in his world are huge red flag warnings for narcissistic behavior.

I chose to believe him and doubt my inner voice. I chose to believe every time he told me that the people he worked with didn’t like how he was affectionate with the women he worked with. How he was a hugger and he wouldn’t ever cheat on me. I chose to believe each time he came home and belittled me for not feeling well and then would go to his room and stay there for hours without having any interaction with his kids or I. I chose to believe that he just was having a hard day, or that it was stressful being a cop and he deserved time to decompress.

What I didn’t do was take stock of the facts and evaluate how these actions were all bad for me. How my health was declining because I wasn’t being supported, loved and cherished. How my stressful day at home with 4 kids several animals and the mounting weight of taking care of all household finances, running my own business, homeschooling 4 kids, planning field trips and trying to do it all on a miniscule budget was effecting every aspect of my life.  I will forever be grateful for the fact that I was able to raise my children. That they are the people they are because of all I did to raise them mostly alone because he never participated. I am now learning to balance my needs with theirs as we all go through this process. My kids have been an amazing support and I for them.

Together we are forging onward to new dreams.

Fighting The Fibro Beast and Finding My Health

by Crystal Lucas

Over the years I have found myself feeling so badly that I often struggled to complete daily tasks.  The pain of fibro is never easy, and often debilitating.  I found every day chores like doing dishes or folding laundry exhausting and painful. In the last few years the pain was so frequent that I would have several flare days in a row. Days where I would spend in bed unable to even get up to do anything significant beyond going to the bathroom.  If I did anything that I enjoyed such as a short hike or even working on remodeling projects or crafts I would wind up down for two days in flare mode.  For someone who doesn’t understand chronic illness or what a flare day is I find it easiest to describe as the feeling of having a bad flu combined with feeling like someone is constantly sticking hot pokers into your body or rubbing you in glass all day.

As a mom and a wife it was devastating to not be able to do all I was accustomed to doing with my life. I was limited in everyway. If I pushed through on good days and did something fun with the kids or created something for them out of love I often found myself having to make up for it the next day or two or three. This is often referred to in the chronic illness community as The Spoon Theory. Where you only have so many spoons a day and you struggle to decide what has to be done each day and what can wait until another day, and on really good days you borrow spoons from tomorrow so that you can accomplish more.

Looking back I think some of the pain was deferred from the emotional pain of living with someone who played mental games with me for decades. Things I never noticed like the manipulation of guilt when I felt bad, or the barrage of questions about why I couldn’t do xyz and how it must be nice to lay around.  In public or around his friends it was always “She’s so great” or “She did all this herself” But behind closed doors it was always a different story.

I spent my lifetime taking care of kids, being their teacher, cooking cleaning and doing all things domestic. I paid all the bills and took care of all the errands. I managed a household on whatever budget he made and did it as gladly as anyone who loves their family. I found a job I could make a few extra dollars at selling candles. Then we moved across country and I let that business go because I didn’t have a car and was stuck at home. A few years down the road A friend convinces me to try this product that went on your nails. Part of fibro is having multiple chemical sensitivity, so I had given up using nail products. Jamberry offered a non toxic product I could use. I loved getting to have pretty nails again. So I jumped in and started selling this product. 2 years later and Jamberry was bought by a company called M.network. Their products were health related. I of course was hesitant to try but after reading testimonials from so many people about how it was helping them with similar health concerns I decided to give the anti-inflammatory antioxidant product called CoreAo a try. This little stik is mixed into water and drank. I bought one box and figured for 44.95 it wouldn’t break the bank and if it helped ease even some of my pain it was worth it. One week later and I realized I hadn’t had even one flare despite doing a million little things that ordinarily would have put me into flare mode. A month later and I was feeling stronger and more flexible.  Then Hurricane Florence happened and I had to evacuate with my kids our animals and two cars. Still no flare! Then we returned to find damage and mold had spread throughout the house. The damage was caused by a broken pipe not by flooding but the results were much the same. Two weeks of clean up and still no flares!

Stress is a huge trigger for fibromyalgia and living in a stress filled life has caused me to be in a constant flare mode cycle for more than 2 years. Removing my ex from my life helped but didn’t eliminate flare days. I had gone gluten free 3 years ago and that helped but didn’t eliminate flare days. For the first time in my adult life I am accomplishing tasks, feeling stronger and healthier and being able to do more. I have been using CoreAo for just 3 months now and it’s been a game changer in my world. I may still get sore and achy but nothing that a massage doesn’t help. I don’t struggle the day after I complete a task and I am able to function on a daily level! I know that my health is improving and I am able to complete tasks without feeling like I wrestled a giant for two days after the fact.

I have since introduced CoreAo to other’s that I know suffer with pain and inflammation.  Here are two testimonials from some new found loyal customers;

” After seeing how much improvement Crystal had with the CoreAo drinks I sent her a message! I was desperate for relief from my chronic pain and brain fog. I placed my order and within a few days I noticed I was already doing more, and feeling better. This has been life changing!” – Rachel

” CoreAo has given me my energy level back! I have energy well after dark which is unheard of for me. I don’t feel jittery or have any toxin releases after using it. I have had zero Neuro issues and feel great!” – Wendy

“I wanted to try CoreAo as I have 2 knees that need to be replaced and have arthritis in my back. I sit for long periods of time but have had to be on my feet a lot fixing up our place. My knees have still been bothering me but it’s not been crippling pain. I noticed a big difference when I stopped taking it. I didn’t realize how much it was helping my back!” -Meridith

 

CoreAO stock photo

The Journey Begins

by Crystal Lucas

My name is Crystal and I hope that you will join me in the telling of a tale full of woe and joy, as many good stories are. This story is my own Journey through what I thought was an average marriage, and now an average divorce.

I will share my laughter and my tears. As well as perhaps a few funny stories along the way.

In the beginning everything was as it should be, young couple deeply in love get married and start a family… Somewhere along the way we lost sight of who we were individually. I don’t even rightly know where his mask fell away and I started making excuses for his poor treatment of me. His lack of involvement with the kids, or his complete lack of communication on matters that are important in a marriage.

I went along raising my kids and doing the best I could trying to make a failing marriage work.  I ignored many of the red flags of a classic narcissist and attempted to keep life normal for my kids. We went on field trips alone and created co-op’s. The adventures we had alone, my 4 kids and I were amazing! Then I would come home and listen to verbal abuse or worse the silent treatment at night when I would come to bed.  I would internalize that it must be something I did, or worse wasn’t doing.  I see myself as a strong woman who has overcome a lot of adversity in my lifetime, I never saw myself as an abused wife. I didn’t see the mental abuse as abuse. I didn’t notice the gaslighting, or the million little ways he controlled my thinking. We always walked on egg shells trying to make sure to not set off the barrage of negative that would stream from him. The few good days in between all the bad made me believe that we were getting through and surely everyone must have hard times in a marriage.

In public and to friends and coworkers he always talked about how much he loved me, how great I was, how fantastic he thought it was that I stayed home with the kids and homeschooled them. He always talked about me to everyone else, just never to me. He didn’t want me he wanted a paper cut out puppet who did what made him look good.

I remember the first time I discovered his infidelity and I thought I must not be meeting his needs, that’s what we women are taught. If we don’t do enough for the man he will stray. It’s never about him and his insecurities or his lack of integrity, only about us and what we must not be doing for them. The truth is I went above and beyond in every aspect. I ignored my own health, the red flags and the constant decline of different areas of my body until it got to be so bad that I sought advice form my chiropractor. 8 years ago she told me I have every classic symptom of Fibromyalgia.  Fibro is a beast and there are so many different ways people suffer with this disease. I began reading. I tried to understand because at least that would give me an idea of what to expect. It made it worse. I felt bad physically and was emotionally so exhausted that I never had a moment’s peace. He did nothing to help, if I needed a massage he grudgingly would rub for a few minutes and then he would either want sex or roll over and say he was tired and was going to bed. He never attempted to lighten my load of “mom” work, or ease the daily struggle of homeschooling through the pain.

There are days I find myself angry at all I allowed in my life. I am working towards healing, towards forgiving. It’s a journey full of tears as well as new hopes and dreams, one I look forward to sharing with anyone who wants to read it.

I am learning to let go of my fears and embrace my new life. This summer I met my brother and we camped together. I was just starting on a journey that would make me feel like my old self, before fibro set in. I have had a life long fear of heights and I avoided doing things because of it. My brother helped convince me I could climb down this mountain to see this beautiful waterfall, Soco Falls. There were ropes to give you something to hold onto but the ground was slick. I was terrified but did it! I kept going. Each foot in front of the other, slowly until I was at the bottom. Standing there looking around I was in awe. I managed to climb down this mountain to see this beauty. During our camping trip we ventured to two other falls, each beautiful in their own way but none as monumental as this one.  This is my inspiration now, and the first picture on my blog is of this climb. I now know I can do anything, one step at a time and I hope to encourage you to do the same.

 

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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