A fine line

I don’t think I ever fully grasped the saying “its a fine line between love and hate” until now.

Yesterday as I stood in my half renovated kitchen angry at the entire situation I find myself in. Angry at the man who put me here and angry at the world that just moves on even with my heart still shattered into a million pieces, it dawned on me how a person can do both. I do. I hate this man and yet I still love him.

I stood there washing the dishes that had piled up while I worked because every adult in my house works and its just two teens who have had to take on more than any teens should be forced to. I saw clearly how much I hate this man because his selfish choices are hurting me and my kids. How much I hate who he has become and I hate how much he hurts our kids. I despise this person. This person doesn’t deserve my awesome kids, the ones I am raising alone now. The ones who step up in a million tiny ways. The ones who see me come home at night and know how exhausted I am. The kids who see the tears I can’t hold back or hide. So as I stood there washing dishes preparing to finish the renovations on this kitchen so that we can have some semblance of normal in an otherwise insane world I sobbed. Washing dishes, being in the kitchen used to be my favorite thing. It was the place I showed my family my love in all the home cooked meals, in all the moments spent together laughing and cooking. It was the heart of our family, he would come in and wrap his arms around me while I cooked or washed dishes kissing the back of my neck and telling me how much he appreciated me. That was before. Before he walked out. Before he stopped caring. Now I am left to pick up the pieces and he just ignores us as if the last 25 years meant nothing. As if all those promises didn’t matter.

So I angry cried. The injustice of everything happening has me seeing just how easy it is to hate this man for doing all this to our family.

It is easy to hate in these instances and harder to find the ways to be the loving kind and compassionate person I strive to be. It is hard to admit that I also still love this man. He is the father of my kids and the man I promised to love forever. His choices cut my soul and his lies and the lies of his new girlfriend rip my battered and bruised heart even more. I however can not deny that I still love him, thus causing the paradox of love and hate in my heart. Hate is an ugly thing, it festers like a tiny sliver just under the skin. left untreated it will cause infection that will ruin your soul. Hate can be a good driving force to get things done, but using it in such a way only feeds it instead of diminishing it. Hating him only causes me more pain, and yet I still can’t get it out of my heart.

So I went to bed praying for my husband, Because we are still married, albeit seperated and on our way to divorce, I suppose since he wont talk to me. I prayed for him to see the truth of his actions. I prayed for him to find himself (the true self that he has always been) and I prayed for him to find forgiveness for himself. I quit praying for him to come back to me because the truth is each day he chooses anyone else over his wife and kids is another day he chooses to hurt us and I just don’t see any way back from that. But I do hope that one day, sooner rather than later, he gets real professional help and can start to make amends for the sake of our kids. That one day He will choose to see all the hurt he caused and he will choose to start to make it right.

As for me, I am still angry today. angry that he has this much control over me, angry that I am still so hurt by all of this. Angry that I am in this situation. Angry that I can’t just walk away from all we had planned together too. Angry that I allowed myself to be financially dependant on a man who promised to love me and take care of me forever. I chose to stay home and raise our kids, but he also chose for me to do so and then he walked out knowing that I would have no way to support myself or our kids. I am working hard to change that, but entry level jobs don’t pay much and teens still need me. I am still homeschooling which means that in my “spare” time I am working on all the other things that take priority. It’s like doing the job of a handful of people only I am one person.

Now I understand fully how you can love and hate a person. I try to focus on the love but everything is a balance. I can’t ignore the hate either. I just hope I can learn to not allow it to consume me, festering with infection.

Healing isn’t linear

As a fibro warrior I am constantly tweaking my diet to see what I can change to improve my health.

I gave up gluten 3 years ago. As it turns out this was the best thing I could have done both for my health and my fitness goals. This picture shows the change clearly. The only thing in my diet or life that had changed at this point was the absence of gluten in my diet. Removing gluten was the first thing to reduce the puffiness. One of the biggest things I have found with fibro is inflammation chronically causes more pain. Gluten causes inflammation.

So the last few weeks I have been so busy working that I hadn’t remembered to order my supplements, the CoreAo, smart and balance spray I have been using. I’m even running low on my magnesium and my vitamin d. While most people would be in a panic I decided to hold off on ordering after the first week. I had two CoreAo stiks and 1 smart stik set aside so I could experiment some.

So it’s been about two weeks now without the CoreAo and while I am still functioning and not in drastic pain or worse flaring after working, going to the gym to work out, coming home and working on finishing projects I am noticing inflammation in areas. For example for the last two weeks I have had swelling that I thought was my knee. But it turns out it’s really coming from my hip, the hip keeps slipping forward, this causes the hamstring and the quad to over compensate working to hard and not properly. My personal trainer had given me stretches to do and things to balance it out but it wasn’t fixing the problem. The last two days I decided to go ahead and take my CoreAo and that with the stretches has finally reduced the swelling and the muscles are back to normal. No more pain and discomfort.

The smart I have held out longer. I know that I am functioning better but I can see the lack of focus and the bits of brain fog creeping in some days. Especially on days when I have to work a register and focus on money. Just one smart has already cleared the foggyness.

I am also using CBD oil and wanted to see if that alone would make a difference. I notice that it helps as well but alone it can not do the job of all the things happening in my body. It’s a good addition but not the only thing.

In the past two weeks I have noticed a difference in my sleep as well. I’m waking up more tired and needing to sleep longer.

So my experience tells me that the supplements are helping my body heal and I need to keep up with them.

Yes I am functioning but slowly noticing pain coming back and I am tired of living with any pain. Healing my body is my top priority and I’m getting there slowly.

If you suffer from chronic pain and want help getting a handle on your pain so that you can function more normally I am just a message away.

The fallout is always the kids.

Recently my daughter felt the need to take to social media and put it out there just how bad she feels about her father’s choices and how it makes her feel unimportant. How heartbreaking it’s been for her and her younger brother.

This is something I struggle with because I see the pain it’s caused them every single day. I watch the little ways that they both have changed. They are less trusting, less carefree. They both see how hard I’m trying and they both are stepping up in ways that makes me feel both proud and a little guilty because they shouldn’t have to. It was our job as parents to protect them from this and his choice to walk away wasn’t just from me, he walked away from them too. All the things that they expected him to be there for; birthdays, holidays, driving, graduating, celebrations, weddings. The list goes on and on.

I know for myself I never imagined doing any of the things I’m doing alone now. So I can understand their anger and hurt. My goal is to try and get them through the hurt and anger without belittling their feelings.

They are not children, they are teens. They understand far more than most people realize. The hardest thing I’ve had to do is listen to their anger and not feed it. The truth is they feel angry about all the same things I do. So not feeding the anger but rather trying to explain that they have a right to their feelings, but let’s try to find some compassion. Trying to encourage them to respond if he decides to reach out is hard. They feel like it’s never enough and the truth is it’s not. But if it’s all he can do then it’s something. I ponder if that’s even my job, helping them hold compassion for a man who walked away and moved on with his life like none of us mattered? All I can think is that eventually they may wish they had any relationship with him and if I don’t foster some compassion for him then will they ever accept what he can offer?

I don’t know if I’m doing it right but I’m doing this dance to the best of my ability. I’m trying to help them heal the hurt and anger while trying to heal my own hurt and anger. I am trying to make sure I do not put to much on them, but I also can’t do everything either. It’s a balancing act that some days I feel I fail at miserably and then other times I think I’m doing it pretty well.

I’m proud of my kids for speaking up and owning their hurts and pain. I am also incredibly sad that they have to. This isn’t always the man their dad was, this was exactly the kind of man he despised. How does a person become the type of person they once despised? That I don’t have the answer to.

I am a single mom now and that role is exhausting. I get tired of being told that I’m going to be ok. Nothing about this is ok. It’s just the only option I have and I’m determined to do the best I can at it. I won’t ever feel good about being forced into this situation but I’m glad that my kids know how much I love them and how hard I’m trying to take care of them. I’m proud of the fact that they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will always take care of them. I will fight for them and fight the world if I have to on their behalf.

Deep thoughts

The time line of my life is marked in joys and sorrows just like everyone else’s, but I find myself going back over all these moments with a finer tooth comb than i ever did before.

I am struggling with questions I will never know the answers to. Did I ever really know the man I married and lived with?

When did the cheating really start? How many lies did he tell? How many lies did I believe?

One thing I know for certain I loved him with my whole heart. I respected him and was supportive of every job change, every move. I was supportive of his choices and he made many without even considering me. I forgave and forgave because that’s what the creator calls us to do. I honored him and loved him and chose him over and over again.

I didn’t even always choose me and my health, he came first then my kids. Never me.

Why is it that we women think that’s the right order of things? Our partner should be our equal not one above or below. Even the creator gave us instruction on the roles for husband and wife, but says he took the rib to create woman so that we were equal and that women should be protected, and cherished. He didn’t do either of these things in our marriage. More often than not he left everything on my shoulders, o hey I’m taking this new job so we have to pack and move by this date. It fell on my shoulders to prepare our children, pack a household and take care of moving all utilities or canceling subscriptions.

It’s no different now that he’s chosen an affair and new woman. He walked out left me saddled with an insurmountable task of home repairs, didn’t lift a finger to help after hurricane Florence came barreling through and decimated our town. He hasn’t seen his kids in almost 9 months. Realizing that he is not a man of integrity is shattering, and telling about his character.

I no longer am willing to put forth so much effort to make his life easier or better. He walked away. He chose his life. I’m now choosing mine.

Happiness is just around the corner for me. I can feel it building. I can feel the joy bubbling just under the surface. I am finding more moments of peace. I have tried everything to reconcile and he refuses to even talk so it’s time to move forward and teach my children that you don’t need a man to make you happy. Neither do you need a looser who cheats on you and destroys your self esteem.

If your partner isn’t bringing out the best in you and isn’t treating you as an equal please get help. Don’t wait. Don’t keep hoping for the best. If you value your partner communicate. If your partner doesn’t communicate that’s a good indicator of where they place their values. Believe their actions, not their lip service.

The more work I do on me the more I’m seeing that the amount of love I gave him was all the love I should have been giving myself. I need to love me that well and not give it away to anyone else. Nobody can complete us, they will eventually leave and if we are not whole the void they leave will be insurmountable. When we stop looking for love outside of ourselves, but rather find the light of the creator deep within we can heal old wounds, and love ourselves as the beautiful creation we are. Find your worth alone before you try to find your worth to anyone else.

It’s not all roses…

When you are constantly looking for life to be better somewhere else your problem isn’t that it isn’t good where you are it’s that you fail to water it, tend it and nurture where you are.

When I discovered my husband’s infidelity I felt like it was my fault. Like I didn’t do enough or say the right things. In doing all my work I’m seeing that that’s insane. I was an amazing wife, loving supportive and doing my best despite him choosing not to water or tend his garden. I still love him but he’s choosing to look for greener pastures leaving me to tend our garden alone. Despite my plea’s for counseling to help us get through it he’s choosing a different path, and yes it hurts. I devoted my life to raising our children, supporting him in every job change and move for these jobs.

Don’t get me wrong I was far from perfect. I have my faults. My chronic disease of fibromyalgia caused me so much intense pain I had to stop doing much of the things I once loved. I couldn’t stand and cook for hours or do all the shopping all the time. I couldn’t care for my family the way I once did. The pain left me exhausted, cranky, and alone. This is something I realized, I was always alone.

As I’ve been journaling through this separation something I realized was that at the height of my worst the person who vowed to always be my support wasn’t. He was busy watering the garden somewhere else, and he left me alone to navigate the pain and my feelings of being worthless because of this disease and what it was taking from me. He wasn’t being my partner.

When you spend your time watering the lawn in your neighbor’s yard then complaining that your grass isn’t green that’s where you are missing the opportunity to make your life everything you want. When you don’t communicate and don’t put in the effort into loving the life you have you are missing the chance to see it bloom into everything the creator promised for your life.

I’m now watering my own grass, tending my own garden and giving myself the love I deserve. My heart is still shattered because I still love my estranged husband. But I have to take care of me. In tending my own garden I’m finding physical healing. I’ve been almost completely symptom free for nearly 8 months. I’m building a new body and healing in ways I didn’t know I could. Being symptom free is amazing. It’s freed me up in ways I never imagined.

I’d love to help coach you if you are struggling with a chronic illness like fibro.

Turn around, you’re going the wrong way!

What happens when you realize you have chosen a wrong path in your life? Do you keep going or do you turn around?

The Creator tells us to repent, what does that mean exactly? It means turn around. It means stop that decision and turn around.

When we are doing things that are not in alignment with our values we feel shame and guilt.

If you continue to go down the path the wrong way you will continue to feel worse, owning our mistakes releases the burden of guilt and shame. Turning away and going back to the starting point is extremely liberating.

What if you don’t know how to go back? It’s never easy to examine our choices and see where we went wrong. It’s not easy to own our faults.

As I have examined my own faults there are areas I’m very sorry for. The hurt that those areas has caused is immense. Both to me and those I love. I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to turn around in those areas. I’m choosing to make better, more healthy choices for me. It is not an easy thing to do but it is the right thing.

I found a kind of calm in owning my part in how things dissolved in my marriage. Owning my mistakes and repenting. Turning around and being vulnerable is frightening. It shakes you to be vulnerable and open because the what ifs start to play in your mind. For me that’s when I pull on faith, what if the best possible imaginings could happen? What if healing takes place and the Divine Spirit brings all the best to you? What if through love, compassion and faithfulness to ourselves and Spirit our hearts desire is achieved?

When you faithfully listen to your body, & soul Spirit will speak to you. Are you brave enough to listen?

I am so thankful for my guides who bring me messages of love and hope for the future. I am thankful for helpers here who help me see the things I need to heal, and how to heal them. When I decided to become a life coach I knew that I needed to help me first, so reaching out to others in the same field and working with them to help me has been invaluable. Coaching is a great tool to help others discover their own healing abilities.

Being a healer

Our natural state of being according to science is healthy and whole. Our bodies naturally mend themselves. That’s how if you break a bone it can regrow.

The same is true for chronic illness like mine. Being diagnosed with fibromyalgia I spent to many years feeling bad. I knew that science has proven we can heal I just hadn’t unlocked the keys to my particular healing yet. I have been searching for things to heal my body and find a place where I felt good again.

Healthy is the bodies natural state of being and where it will fight to get back to. Sometimes we need to find the things our bodies need to support our healing, and what works for one person may not always work for you. This is where coaching can come into a helping tool.

Discovering what your body needs to feel better is Paramount to your healing. But how do you know what to try? This is why I am branching out into being a healing coach. I don’t want to heal you, I want to support you in finding your own healing. I believe very strongly that we all deserve to feel healthy. We all deserve to not be run down, mentally or physically.

It can be extremely difficult to find the healing spaces within ourselves on our own. Sometimes we need someone to help us see the things we may have missed.

Are you ready to step into healing but need help? Don’t know where to start? Contact me. I will happily partner with you to discover what key factors you maybe missing in your healing.