life changes

The problem with social media diagnosis memes

by Crystal Lucas

I have been fairly silent here because it has been a time of serious introspection.

I am taking courses on cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness. What I’m learning about myself in these courses is intense, healing, and scary all at once.

The thing that I have discovered is that in my own need to justify my reactions I played the victim and in that vilified the man I love. Instead of digging deeper and looking for reasons I started seeing memes that talked about narcassism and while he displays many of the symptoms he has symptoms of other things as well; post secondary traumatic brain injury resulting in anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms.

Was his treatment of me unfair? Absolutely.

Was my reactions to him just as unfair? Absolutely!

I feel completely let down by a system that should have caught all of these things and helped us both cope. Instead they saw a few symptoms and offered drugs. He would try them and things would get better for a bit then stop and he would stop taking them. Instead of insisting they talk to us together they pushed new meds, they didn’t know about some symptoms because they don’t have the knowledge I do of every day life living with this man.

I have my own set of issues and while I always thought I was showing my love, and certainly other people saw my love in my actions, but perhaps he couldn’t because of his own internal dialogue.

So about two years ago I started seeing memes on Facebook talking about narcassist and what the symptoms were. Of course I started seeing symptoms in my husband. To be honest many of the symptoms listed on these memes are true of many mental health conditions and there in lies the problem. Without a true professional diagnosis you won’t know.

In the last several months I started looking at why the man I have loved for the entirety of my adult life suddenly became this person. I started looking back on our lives together. It suddenly dawned on me that changes happened after his concussions, 2 within a few months of each other almost a decade ago. Things that I had no idea could be related to these concussions were on the list.

In the last month I am also seeing my own failings. I certainly closed my heart to this man because his actions hurt me and I was afraid. Owning my own shit is hard. Owning my part in the life I loved falling apart is hard. Facing my own fears and my own hardness and being vulnerable enough to share them here is scary. I became hard and bitter. I didn’t respond with the love in my heart and I held resentment over each thing he did or didn’t do. I judged his actions without actually hearing his cries for help. No he didn’t hear mine either and in that we failed each other.

Truth be told, I still love my husband, even if we are separated and supposed to be getting divorced.

I am still learning and growing, but something I have learned is that I need to take responsibility for my reactions, actions and inaction.

My advice to those of you who feel like you are in an abusive situation, get help. Now. Stop the stigma that therapy is bad. Stop sharing memes on FB with symptoms of xyz, they don’t serve to connect us in love. Listen to one another. If you can’t hear one another clearly get help, individually and together. Coaches are a great tool that can be utilized in helping you narrow down your own desires.

I have no idea what my future is bringing me but the lessons I’m getting right now are hard one’s… Weather this is worth it I don’t know. I am finding gratitude in this as I am growing and without the separation, and devastation I likely would not be doing the work to heal myself or grow in me. I certainly wouldn’t be venturing down the life coaching path and I wouldn’t be growing.

…stay tuned for further enlightening processes.

It’s ok to Cry

by Crystal Lucas

After being with someone for a long time splitting up is hard to do.

The emotions run a wide range from anger to sadness.

Something people always want to do is give you platitudes. They tell you it will get better. Or give it time, know it won’t always hurt this bad. Knowing that doesn’t change the feelings. The hurt is still there.

Crying when you hurt is a way to allow the emotions to pass. To let them out without trapping them. Give yourself permission to cry. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to say the things you need to say, to allow the feelings to flow without stopping them is powerful and strong.

Just don’t dwell to long in the pain. Remember that healing happens when we release these emotions and step into our power. Crying is healthy, ok and even good. Sobbing, is cleansing, the healing comes when you take the steps to release that which is causing you the pain. We may not always be able to discern that for ourselves. Especially when we are in the thick of the emotional response. Reacting from a place of pain and hurt can give us regrets. I don’t like to have regrets for my actions and so I tend to try to stop and think before saying and doing something. When dealing with emotional pain and trauma of a sudden life event like divorce, that I truly didn’t see coming, I got stuck in this pain for several months. I decided to reach out to my friend who is an amazing coach in her own rights.

As an empath and lightworker I often go into my higher self to intercede for others but had ignored my own pain for so long that it’s almost as if it was damned up tighter than Fort Knox. I had this vision of myself standing at a castle with a mote around it and I was drowning in the mote because I forgot I could just stand up and use the key. Keys often come in many forms, for me it was reaching out to a fellow energy worker friend, Christina over at Radiant Living, The Art of Conscious Creation She has a wonderful gift of helping you get in touch with your inner self to heal these hurts. The first picture in this post was taken the day we worked together. I couldn’t stop the tears. The flow was unbelievable. Christina helped me find the old trauma’s from my past that we’re bringing up fears and effecting how I am processing the current trauma of a divorce after 24 years of marriage.

Some days the work of healing your soul is hard, but it’s always worth it. Knowing we all go through the same heavy shit helps us connect with each other in a very real way.

When I reached out to Christina she was more than happy to share her time with me helping me work through these fears. She gave me some new tools to use and helped me seek out the past as well as current issues so that I could heal and move forward. Working with Christina and her unique way with energy helped give me some much needed focus.

Shortly after working with Christina in a one on one session I decided to take steps to heal myself. One thing I have lacked was a good solid foundation in my physical body. I wasn’t ever sure how to do things and with my limitations of fibro I wanted help getting fit.

I no longer feel held hostage by my emotions. The sadness still comes from time to time but the overwhelming grief is easier. I still give myself permission to cry, and to feel sad. I also give myself permission to love. Love my ex for all he gave me, love myself for all I gave him. I am continuing to love us both through this. I refuse to stay stuck in ugly, hurt or sadness. I love me more now than I did 6 months ago. I can’t say I won’t ever undervalue myself again but I am learning to see my value in a different way.

It is healthy to move forward in life, grow and learn from your experiences. If you are struggling with something it’s always good to ask for help, even if you already have the tools and knowledge there is no shame in asking for help from someone outside of yourself. We need our community and our tribe to help us through these rough spots.

Taking control

by Crystal Lucas

As I wander through the painful steps of separating my life from the man I thought I would grow old with I am discovering all the little ways I didn’t take care of me.

My life revolved around him, our kids, keeping a roof over our heads and bills paid. My life revolved around taking care of everyone else to the exclusion of myself.

O sure I did things I enjoyed and I have loved being able to be home with my kids. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Mom is the best title I have ever held. It brings me joy and pride… But what happened to Crystal?

So I decided to do something crazy. I bought the whole family a gym membership. I got them all on board. Then I hired my own personal trainer!

I broke down all my health conditions and my myriad of concerns. I don’t give a flying leap what a scale says but I do care that I have no muscle tone and struggle to do things I once loved. I want to get out and hike more. I want to climb mountains and conquer my fears.

So my first step to doing just that is to keep moving forward. Some days are easier, some days still hurt. But I’m doing it! If I can do it anyone can!

Here’s me my first day at my new gym. One work out done.

I’ve already lost one full pants size and one full top size before hitting the gym. I believe my CoreAo (that I talked about in my blog post Here) was the first thing to help me with this.

I also started using my Balance spray at night. This spray has done a world of good helping me get to sleep. It helps balance serotonin levels. This helps regulate hormones, balance weight and helps you sleep, among a few other things.

I started with these things simply feel better. I physically hurt so bad that I was desperate to feel better. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t eat, I hurt all the time. The pain was so bad that I just wanted anything to help. The core helped first. It minimized the constant ache and helped me be able to move. But the balance spray, that is what got me going. Able to focus and function on a whole new level. Sleep is restorative and when you aren’t able to sleep your body can’t heal. So balance helped me heal. Balance started making my life, despite the horrible upheaval, start to balance out.

This picture was taken right after the upheaval in my life happened. I just found out my husband of 24 years had been sneaking around. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I was definitely hurting. Trying to smile through it and planning this very blog. My wonderful friend helped me take these photos.

Then life moved forward I kept putting off this blog because to be honest I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the heartache, or if anyone wanted to read it.

Then summer came and I went camping with my brother. I was still trying to fix my marriage but things were in a weird spot and we knew he was taking a job away from us. I had just started taking my CoreAo and was seeing amazing results with my mobility. I actually hiked this with my family. It was so scary but I did it.

By October my world fell apart. Florence had come and done her damage to my town, I returned to find out that instead of fixing things we are now getting divorced. I am still taking Balance and CoreAo and smiling through it all because smiling feels better than frowning. When your body hurts less you feel better equipped to handle the emotional pain.

I took this picture Monday 12/10 my first day heading to my gym… (Ignore the open closet on the side of me, it’s a work in progress this house)

I’m not great at selfies in mirrors, but it’s a good gauge to see how far my body has come already.

Here is a side by side of those same pictures.

The only thing that changed in my diet in that period of time was adding CoreAo, Smart( I’ll post about that one soon) and Balance.

Slowly I’m taking control of my life. Slowly I am finding ways to be healthy and strong, both emotionally as well as physically.

I never dreamed I’d hire a personal trainer. And I never imagined I would be getting divorced. I never imagined life would turn out this way, and maybe someday it won’t hurt to admit I’m a divorced woman. I still love him, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes we have to love ourselves more than we love anyone else.

Finding Your Passion

by Crystal Lucas

What do you do in your life that brings out your passion? That thing that makes everything else worth while. You know that one thing that makes your eyes light up and dance when you think of doing it?

For me I have a lot of things that I have discovered bring me that kind of joy.  Why is finding something that brings you joy so important? This is where self care meets practical application. When you are doing something you love it doesn’t feel like work. It doesn’t feel like a job and it makes you happy. Self care is vital especially during healing from emotional trauma and life changes.

I have many things that bring me joy and spark my passion, from remodeling homes to hand crafting something special to writing. I have different things that I am passionate about doing at different times and I like to change things up to keep them fresh and new.

As I proceed through the divorce I am finishing the remodeling projects on the house we bought together. I still love this home but it isn’t mine anymore. Every step I take is to finish it for some other family to love. I will be coming and sharing pictures of the progress here as I complete different rooms, complete with before and after pictures.

Today I want to share just one thing I am passionate about; I LOVE repurposing things. Taking something old and making it new or giving it new life again is special and has purpose. Saves our world from extra pollution (a topic I am pretty passionate about as well) gives something that still has value new life, saves money and can be fun to create something new!

That is where this chair comes into play…2018-11-14_12.03.50

I found this chair on a yard sale page on facebook and loved the shape of it. It clearly has many stains and is in mediocre condition.

But I have a solution and I will reveal the finished product in the coming days. 🙂