As I wander through the painful steps of separating my life from the man I thought I would grow old with I am discovering all the little ways I didn’t take care of me.

My life revolved around him, our kids, keeping a roof over our heads and bills paid. My life revolved around taking care of everyone else to the exclusion of myself.

O sure I did things I enjoyed and I have loved being able to be home with my kids. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Mom is the best title I have ever held. It brings me joy and pride… But what happened to Crystal?

So I decided to do something crazy. I bought the whole family a gym membership. I got them all on board. Then I hired my own personal trainer!

I broke down all my health conditions and my myriad of concerns. I don’t give a flying leap what a scale says but I do care that I have no muscle tone and struggle to do things I once loved. I want to get out and hike more. I want to climb mountains and conquer my fears.

So my first step to doing just that is to keep moving forward. Some days are easier, some days still hurt. But I’m doing it! If I can do it anyone can!

Here’s me my first day at my new gym. One work out done.

I’ve already lost one full pants size and one full top size before hitting the gym. I believe my CoreAo (that I talked about in my blog post Here) was the first thing to help me with this.

I also started using my Balance spray at night. This spray has done a world of good helping me get to sleep. It helps balance serotonin levels. This helps regulate hormones, balance weight and helps you sleep, among a few other things.

I started with these things simply feel better. I physically hurt so bad that I was desperate to feel better. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t eat, I hurt all the time. The pain was so bad that I just wanted anything to help. The core helped first. It minimized the constant ache and helped me be able to move. But the balance spray, that is what got me going. Able to focus and function on a whole new level. Sleep is restorative and when you aren’t able to sleep your body can’t heal. So balance helped me heal. Balance started making my life, despite the horrible upheaval, start to balance out.

This picture was taken right after the upheaval in my life happened. I just found out my husband of 24 years had been sneaking around. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I was definitely hurting. Trying to smile through it and planning this very blog. My wonderful friend helped me take these photos.

Then life moved forward I kept putting off this blog because to be honest I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the heartache, or if anyone wanted to read it.

Then summer came and I went camping with my brother. I was still trying to fix my marriage but things were in a weird spot and we knew he was taking a job away from us. I had just started taking my CoreAo and was seeing amazing results with my mobility. I actually hiked this with my family. It was so scary but I did it.

By October my world fell apart. Florence had come and done her damage to my town, I returned to find out that instead of fixing things we are now getting divorced. I am still taking Balance and CoreAo and smiling through it all because smiling feels better than frowning. When your body hurts less you feel better equipped to handle the emotional pain.

I took this picture Monday 12/10 my first day heading to my gym… (Ignore the open closet on the side of me, it’s a work in progress this house)

I’m not great at selfies in mirrors, but it’s a good gauge to see how far my body has come already.

Here is a side by side of those same pictures.

The only thing that changed in my diet in that period of time was adding CoreAo, Smart( I’ll post about that one soon) and Balance.

Slowly I’m taking control of my life. Slowly I am finding ways to be healthy and strong, both emotionally as well as physically.

I never dreamed I’d hire a personal trainer. And I never imagined I would be getting divorced. I never imagined life would turn out this way, and maybe someday it won’t hurt to admit I’m a divorced woman. I still love him, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes we have to love ourselves more than we love anyone else.